ACR NewsLaughter's the Best Medicine and We're the Mayo Clinic
President Obama Played Golf……while ISIS terrorists continued its brutal march toward Baghdad. You can say both Obama and ISIS have been working on their slice.
Former First Daughter... Chelsea Clintonwas paid over $600,000 a year by NBC to be a special correspondent. Well, at least she's able to help her "dead broke" parents.
Meanwhile, Current First Daughter…Malia Obama worked on the set of Halle Berry's new TV show. Strange, but her Secret Service detail kept insisting on frisking Halle Berry.
Good News! Tracy Morgan is...…now "improving" after Saturday's horrible crash. The Bad News? His 30 Rock co-star Alec Baldwin is still a schmuck.
Justin Bieber Baptized in NY TubOddly, it was his overworked lawyers who were singing "Hallelujah."
Jennifer Lopez Splits With…boytoy Casper Smart. The tabloids say he was tired of always being in J-Lo's shadow. Then get out from behind her butt.
Michigan Teen Carries Brother……40-miles on his back. Even more amazing, the little boy never once said, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
Tom Cruise's New Flick Gets…..whipped by tear-jerker romance about teen cancer patients. Don't know what happens to the star-crossed lovers, but Cruise's career has fallen into a coma.
California Chrome Owner Has……hissy fit after horse loses Triple Crown bid. Talk about a horse's ass. (Or would it be "ass's horse"?)
The White House Denies...it is...simply dumping a flood of new illegal immigrants into Texas and Arizona. "No," said a spokesman. "We're just hosting really, really, really big World Cup viewing parties."
Neal Patrick Harris Licked……Samuel L. Jackson's glasses during a musical number at Sunday Night's Tony Awards. "Why?" said Jackson afterwards, "How the &@*# should I @*#@( know, mother-@*#@?!?!?!"
ACR News BurpsFunny at Your Fingertips
Justin Bieber's Hip-Hop Friends……insist the teen idol is not racist…as long as he keeps picking up all their tabs.
Rumor: Michelle Obama……thinking about running for the U.S. Senate. What's her campaign slogan? "Eat Your Vegetables"?
And to Further Prove…she can do anything Hillary Clinton can do, she threw a lamp at Bill Clinton.
Obama Trades Five Terrorists...…for one U.S. deserter. And STILL the Oilers trading Gretsky is the worst swap ever!
Cash-Strapped Female Soldiers...…join prostitution ring at Ft. Hood. Their slogan? "We're Looking for a Few, Good Paying Men."
Gwyneth Paltrow Believes Water…... reacts to negativity. In essence water has feelings. Haven't you heard the expression "boiling mad"?
Miley Cyrus' Stole Maserati...…has been found. Her dignity remains missing.
Prez Obama Spotted Pumping Iron……at hotel gym. Yet he's still not strong enough to pick up a phone and call Congress.
He Prefers Dumbells…But enough about Joe Biden.
Jonah Hill Apologizes for...…hurling a horrible slur at a paparazzi. He called him a "paparazzi."
Actually Hill Shouted...a gay slur. So much for his next movie, "22 Castro Street."
Justin Bieber Gives Up……Sizzurp and is now addicted to working out. The good news? With the money he's saving on cough syrup, he can finally afford a shirt.
Play Cancelled After Actor...…attacks audience member over anti-gay slurs. No, the actor did NOT hit like a girl.
ACR News BurpsMaking Fun of the World So You Don't Have To
Johnny Depp in Talks…... to play the famed magician Houdini. Why not? With the Lone Ranger he was able to make $300 million disappear.
According to New Study…… cynicism triples your likelihood of dementia. Ah, they're just making that up. Not that I remember who "they" are.
Scout Willis Walked Around……topless to protest Instagram. Her boobs were immediately given 7,000,000 likes.
Kim Kardashian & Hip-Hop...... great Kanye West are now officially married. In related news, Kanye West is no longer a hip-hop great.
Woman Steals Bible From……WalMart. Boy is she gonna be surprised when she gets to that "Thou Shalt Not Steal" part.
Former Microsoft CEO Buying...…the L.A. Clippers. Steve Ballmer hopes to reboot the team's image. And reboot. And reboot. And reboot.