news burps
News Burps!The Funny Just Flows |
BREAKING BURP!!Jennifer Lopez reportedly replacing Ellen on “American Idol.” Final details being worked out, including how they’re going to find a chair big enough to fit her butt. |
Tyler Replacing Simon?Rumors are Steven Tyler’s been asked to replace Simon Cowell. Perfect. He’s got all of Simon’s music smarts and all of Paula Abdul’s meds. |
Ellen Leaves IdolHow about that? She really IS just like a normal viewer! |
Kara Gone Too?Kara DioGuardi is also reportedly out on “Idol,” as show returns to three-judge format. Or two judges and a guy who just says “That was pitchy, dawg.” |
Did Obama lie......on “The View” about not knowing who Snooki is? After all, he made a joke about her at WH Correspondents Dinner. The WH explanation? It’s Obama’s teleprompter who knows Snooki. Knows her so well, in fact, it had to take a shot of penicillin. |
Shirley to Sue...Shirley Sherrod says she’s going to sue Andrew Breitbart for posting that video clip of her. Why? That one video made her famous…and she didn’t even have sex on it. |
High Priced Hot Dog!Te World’s Most Expensive Hot Dog unveiled. Terrell Owens says he’s excited about playing for the Bengals. |
It's $69 dollars...... and garnished with truffle oil and foie gras. Sorry. If I want to spend 69 bucks on a hot dog, I’ll go to the movies. |
On "The View"...Barbara Walters asked President Obama what has been his “rose” and “thorn” lately. Yes, roses and thorns. A chance for him to again place the blame on a “bush.” |
Why “The View”?Robert Gibbs says the President wanted to “talk to people where they are.” On their asses, at home, unable to find a job. |
Simpson to "Idol"?Jessica Simpson is in talks to become an “American Idol” judge. She’s so different from Simon. I mean, one’s obsessed with their breasts. The other was married to Nick Lachey. |
News Burps!We Report, You Decide Whether to Laugh |
Rangle ChargedNY representative Charlie Rangle charged with 13 Congressional Ethics violations. Thursday’s hearing was delayed while Congress looked up the meaning of the word “ethics.” |
Chelsea Clinton......details of her weekend wedding kept secret. Secret? He says, “I do.” She says, “I do.” And her dad says to the maid-of-honor, “Wanna do me?” |
“Jersey Shore” bad......for New Jersey, says Governor Chris Christie. “After all,” says Christie, “We wouldn’t want New Jersey to ever become a joke.” |
iPad owners......summarized as “selfish elites” in study of their psychological profile. The study was conducted by researchers unable to get their hands on an iPad. |
Judge blocks AZ ......anti-illegal immigration law. Good. I’d hate to have my lawn done by someone who actually belongs here. |
In related news......reporters spot puffs of smoke coming from Governor Jan Brewers ears. |
Obama first sitting.......president to appear on a daytime talk show. His appearance on the Springer episode, “Who’s my real daddy?” came waaay before he was elected. |
Kerry says he'll pay......$500,000 in taxes on his new yacht after all. “And by that,” said Kerry, “I mean my WIFE will pay $500,000 in taxes on my new yacht" |
Blago's lawyer...Says the former Governor looks like a criminal, sounds like a criminal…but is NOT a criminal. OK, so it isn’t exactly a Perry Mason closing argument. |
Jack Tatum diesFormer Oakland Raiders defensive back known as “The Assassin”. Met at the “Pearly Gates” with a note that says…”Greetings…it takes one to know one”. |
Singer Wycliffe Jean...May run for president of Haiti. In related news, former Idol contestant William Hung is checking Expedia for flights to New Hampshire and Iowa. |
News Burps!if a cannibal ate Carrot Top would his eyesight improve? Just wondering. |
BP demoted CEO...Tony Hayward has been reassigned to the oil giant’s Russian Exploration venture. Let’s see. How do you spell S-i-b-e-r-i-a?? |
New Oil Leak...Barge hits an abandoned well in a Gulf inlet sending a column of oil 100 feet into the air. From a distance it kind of looks like the Gulf is giving Tony Hayward a one-fingered “so long” salute. |
Gore questioned...... by Portland police over massage therapist allegations. It's the age old political question: "What did she grope and when did she grope it?" |
Where'd it go?Crews having trouble finding errant oil in Gulf. Said one official: "That roll of Bounty really seemed to do the trick!" |
Nigel Lythgoe back to "Idol”... could dump all remaining judges. When asked to comment on the report, Randy Jackson replied, “Yo, dawg, that was pitchy. |
Wiki-Leaks publishes...90,000 secret military documents about how rough the Afghan War is going. They need 90,000 documents to conclude “War is hell”? |
Mel Gibson attended...church Monday. In related news, the priest hearing his confession was admitted to Cedar Sinai for treatment of acute exhaustion. |
Oliver Stone apologizes...for “Jewish domination of media” keeps Adolf Hitler’s story from being told “in context”. Right, Oliver. Adolf Hitler is just Shirley Sherrod with a funny mustache. |
First Lady to vacation...in Florida, then Spain, then Martha’s Vineyard. Mrs. Obama says that for the first time in her adult life she’s proud of America’s travel agents. |
Federal judge rules......Arizonans do not have to carry immigration papers, crushing key part of new law. However citizens are still required to carry their Starbucks Latte cards at all times. |